“To the extent that you are responding in fear, you create more fear.”
~ I Am the Word, pg 80
“The action of fear is to claim more fear.”
~ Alchemy, pg 22
Fear has been a major theme that the Guides have addressed in every book. Releasing fear and operating from love seemed a mysterious thing when I first read those words in I Am the Word. I wondered, how does it actually work?
Here is my story.
Step 1: Epiphany.
Fear had an incredible grip on my family seven years ago. I didn’t recognize at first that it had a grip on me, only that it had a grip on my eldest child (14-years-old at the time). Already familiar with the insipid nature of anorexia, I was able to recognize it when I saw it in him. I named his controlling entity “Mort”—“Death” in French. I recognized that without a change in course, my son was on a path straight into the hands of Death. And that caused—in every cell of my being—more fear than I had ever known. But I didn’t realize it. I only knew I was very angry.
Now I know that my son’s fear had claimed me in fear and vice versa. We were mirroring each other’s fear and amplifying it, no doubt. In real life that looked like daily arguments over food—“Eat more. Eat better. Eat differently.” There were desperate trips to the nutritionist or the therapist to get him straightened out. Little did I realize that his transformation depended upon my transformation. His rise above the grip of the eating disorder—a clear manifestation of fear—depended upon my rise in frequency to love.
And as these stories often go, there came a breaking point. It wasn’t HIS breaking point; it was mine. One day after a particularly horrible, fearful fight about Mort’s grip on him, I realized that I didn’t like the “me” that was interacting with “him.” It was getting us nowhere to constantly replay the same tapes. I was only growing more and more desperate. He was only growing more and more distant and losing more weight. So, what to do?
Step 2: A new way.
Thanks to a rereading of Eckhart Tolle’s work I had become reacquainted with the notion of the “pain body,” one person’s anger or fear engages you in the same. Sound familiar? “The action of fear is to claim more fear,” I would later read from the Guides. So, I began to practice dis-engaging my own responses from my son’s. Thankfully, I had the help of my husband.
We practiced helping each other. The moment a dramatic fight was clearly on the horizon or had just begun, one of us would remind the other, “Don’t engage.” Those simple words were the important first step. In practical terms, this might mean walking away to “cool down” or saying something like, “we can talk about this later, when you are more calm and less angry.” Later, after months of practicing this disengagement, I got to the point where I could mentally create my safe, non-responsive (even loving) bubble and handle the anger coming at me from my son.
This turned out to be a crucial step in his own transformation, as well. After many months of realizing nothing could suck me into an angry, fear-based response, he became capable of rational, calm discussions about health, eating, and many other things. This in turn led to fruitful, collaborative conversations about what could or should be done to move forward with whatever next step needed to be taken. It led to a far happier home.
Step 3: Relinquishing judgment.
In Realization, the Guides discuss giving up the “shoulds” of the lower self or egoic self. At the time I read it, I was learning how often and in what ways I judged my son’s choices—food choices, academic choices, free-time choices, sleeping-pattern choices, values choices. It turns out, I was judging everything. E-ver-y-thing: “You are my child and therefore should live by my rules, my values, my way of doing things, my interests, my intentions for your life.” Yup—all shoulds. Sounds like judgment when put that way? Strangely, when I began releasing my son to his own life’s journey, I made valuable progress on my own spiritual journey. Even more strangely, I found that the more I released my judgments, “shoulds,” and expectations of what parenting “should” be, the more my own fear released and was replaced by love and compassion.
Over the course of three years, I began to operate from love, not fear. My relationship with my son improved. His relationship with his body and food improved. Our home was a happier place.
Along the way I did much reflecting. My Facebook motto read “Fear begets fear. Love begets love.” I began to realize that my son’s journey was propelling me forward on my own spiritual journey. As much as I look back on that time as some of the darkest times in my family’s life as well as my own life, I am grateful to all I learned as a result. I am grateful to the Guides for their guidance and vibrational attunements away from fear and toward love.
I am Word through my Love. Word, I am Word.
Photo copyright © Brenda Brayko 2020. All rights reserved.